Now you are probably saying, Okay Laura but that is really NOT very far. It probably isn't, but for me it got me started for one. And for two, I want to go do it again. The pain is great in my legs today, so I have tried to nurse them a bit, but in the long run I know I need to do this in order to get to the next step of my weight loss.
It seems like everything else in my life, I have this fear in me to start for fear I will fail and people will laugh. What I have learned in my life it is really hard for me to fail. Not because I don't stumble and fall miserably, but I am stubborn enough to keep trying until I get it done or get it right. It's too bad that in our society and life we are compared to others, and judge by others whether we are pretty, smart, a success or a failure. What may be classified as a failure to some is a success to others.
This just reminded me of a story when I was in college. I had a really good friend that I truly admired. I so wished I could be like her. She had a ton of confidence, was in the Honor Society, had a mom who loved her and a little girl and you could tell she was going to go places. As our time went on, I was sometimes included with her and sometimes not. You know the old game of being picked last in Gym class it continued on in college. But I put it all aside and all the hurt feelings because I felt she was such a great friend. Sadly enough, I thought this is what friends were. There was something that bothered me about her and I could never put my finger on it.
As friends we did several things together, but honestly I never felt I was ever good enough to be her friend. She talked about money, and grades, and society labels none of which I had any of. The only place I knew I was as good as she was, was in the computer lab. I worked in more of the classes than she did, and by going over the same things again and again I learned a great deal more than most of the other lab aides. We were nearing the end of our program and there was a new class on Communications all the Computer Science students had to take. We got in study groups. When I went to meet with them, they informed me they were full. Another friend invited me into her group.
Everyone had already struggled in the class with tests and we knew there would be a curve, but the final was a big part of our grade. One of the things the teacher let us do was to create a "crib sheet" Whatever we could fit on a 8x11 sheet of paper, front and back we could take into the testing center with us. My group split up different sections of the review, then we created a crib sheets for our section and combined them all together on one. I was one of the last ones to go to the testing center, and I had heard through the grapevine that there was an answer sheet floating around. I did not think too much of it.
The day I went to take my test, I ran into my friend that I will refer to as the Honor Student friend. She asked me how I did on the the test and I told her I was just going to take it now. From her pocket she took a folded piece of paper and shoved it in my hands, and said, "Here you might as well get an A like everyone else is getting" and she walked away. I opened up the paper to find her crib sheet and the answers to the test. I hurriedly folded it back up and shoved in my book bag. In the testing center, I got out my own crib sheet, my pencil and ID and proceeded through to take my test.
Part of me was saying, "Laura you are so stupid! You had the answers!" But the other half of me was saying, "No Laura you did what was right." I was a nervous wreck. I knew I had slim chances of passing that test and the class, but I also knew if I failed, it would be me and not anyone else. About five minutes into the test, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I about jumped to the ceiling when the testing aide said, "I am sorry I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to let you know your shirt was up in back." I managed a very weak Thank You, and she said, "Are you okay?" I said, "Oh yeah, I am now."
I went on to take my test with a confidence I had never had before. When I left, I was thrilled to get a B- on it. I was more thrilled to know that I was not a failure, but unfortunately my friend did not see it that way. Walking out of the testing center I sat down outside and saw my friend from my study group. "Did you take your test?" she asked? "Yes" I said, "How did you do?" "B-" I said and then broke down into tears. "Laura there is nothing wrong with a B-!! " she said. "It's not that" I said. "Well wish me luck, I am going to take my test!!" she said.
I often think back to that day and to the "what if" I had taken my test from her notes. When the lab aide came and tapped me on the shoulder, she could easily see my paper. Had she seen the answers to the test, I would have been the one expelled and kicked out of school not her or the others who cheated. I found my Honor Student friend afterward and gave her back her cheat sheet. "How did you do?" she asked. I smiled and said, "I got a B-" and then I walked away.
I am sure to her I was a complete failure. After all, I did not get an A on the the test when I had a chance to. She even mentioned one day how she could not see why everyone did not get an A on the test (looking at me). Seven years later, I was talking with one of the teachers, and the subject of students came up. "Laura when I talk about my success students do you know who I talk about?" Shaking my head no, he said, "You are my success story. You didn't cheat just to get a grade.You worked hard to learn something, and when you didn't understand you spent hours in the lab trying to figure it out. You didn't always get A's, but you always tried your best and we saw that. You also taught others in the lab, you were our success student." I was a bit taken back but also very proud. Whenever I run into my "friend" and I hear her brag, I just grin.
So it doesn't matter what it is, I am stubborn to a point. I don't give up. Since going back to school and working on a Bachelors Degree verrrry slowly (ha ha) I have managed to get A's. I know now I am not dumb or stupid. I have begun to see my talents. I decided I am not a society person and never will be. One thing I have learned, is that when I make new friends, they are truly friends, and not society symbols. We take our baby steps together. I will take all my baby step successes any day because I know eventually I will make it to the end.
I decided to call this Baby Step Monday. On Monday's I am going to make myself take some kind of small baby step that will help me on my journey. Today it was walking. Maybe next Monday, it will be two laps instead of one. Whatever it is, in order to succeed at anything, we need to overcome the fear and just take baby steps!!!