Sorry for the no blogging yesterday but I had to figure out a few things. The writing would just not come last night. My blog from Wednesday mentioned how I went into a tailspin and indulged on a few things. So let me backup a bit.Those that have been reading this blog know that this whole No Sugar No Soda thing is more than what we put in our mouths, it is more about why we do what we do and how we can break those habits. This week a couple of things have come to light that just overwhelmed me and stressed me out. It started out with a bad thing, then a good thing, then frustration, then to my breaking point I didn't know which way to go anymore.
Let me just preface this by all that have ever had parents I admire you and am a bit jealous. I don't remember if I have shared this before here and when I think it is all behind me, I realize it is not. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I always felt I was thrown to the wolves. I never had a relationship with my Dad and I did try, and my mom and I, well there was always a barrier between us. So although we each have two people who brought us into this world, and I know they are called my mom and dad, they are by no means the parents they should have been or who taught me the things I needed to know about life. I have also learned because of their upbringing and past, they passed on to me only what they knew and probably felt comfortable in. Funny thing though, I am a bit stubborn so it was never enough for me, I wanted more out of life.
With that said, on Sunday afternoon I received an email from an Aunt I have just connected with. It has been fun getting to know each other. My aunt is from Michigan where we spent many summers but I never met. We exchanged a few emails on Saturday night when the Osmonds came up. I thought "hmm....maybe I should share my story with her." So I did. On Sunday afternoon I received an email from her that said, "WOW!! Now it all makes sense. The story I heard was that you ran away from home and joined a cult." I broke down and cried. I did not run away from home and join a cult, and although I have shared this before, here it is again: Laura's Journey But then I remembered all the good things in my life and all the people I had found in my genealogical research and got on my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father for my blessings.....because I do know I have many.
Even though I thought I was through that and okay, on Tuesday my friend agreed to help me edit my book I am working on. This book has been a part of me since 2002 and been very therapeutic for my whole healing process. It was not until Wednesday as we sat down to work on the first chapter the anxiety started to affect me. This is something that happens to good people I thought, and I am not good enough. After our editing session we worked on some of her genealogy which was good for me. It put me in my safe spot and again thought I was okay. Then I went in search of an AC Adapter for my computer.
My adapter has a mind of it's own and sometimes it will work and sometimes it will not. I live off my computer so I need it to work. When I went to a Battery Plus shop, it had closed down. UGH Then coming home I freaked out. I bought a bag of sugar free candy, a bag of Munchos and a bag of Chex mix. and yes I ate it all!!! On Thursday morning I had no energy, felt sluggish like I could hardly move. I did not want to do anything. Finally at 12:30 I ate something, took a nap and was able to make it to my genealogical meeting Thursday night.
Last night as I was trying to write my blog, and I couldn't. It then dawned on me what I had done to myself. I sabotaged myself. Why though? The good things are surely outweighing the bad so why did I do this to myself? I did some research saw the reasons others sabotage us. Our lives change and so we get more attention that can often make friends or spouses jealous. As I continue to grow as a person I can see this happening to me and it scares me. I am doing this to myself. It is not my friends it is me. It is hard to really leave me, the old me behind. We have been partners for a very long time and the only person I knew I could trust. Now I have found others who I also know I can trust and I think a part of the inner me is getting a tad bit jealous. There was a thought I noticed in the fall that said, "When you are reluctant to change, think of the beauty of Autumn."
So why did I do all this to myself? Is it just because I am scared or is there something more I have not discovered yet? Either way the choices I made on Wednesday night was not worth the pain and torture I put myself through for two days. Yet I know that whatever comes at me, I can handle and deal with I may just stumble a bit.
I am wondering if any of you see this in your own lives and not so much with friends and spouses but with your own self? Have you found a way to work through it? I think for me I need to get regularity into my life. With no job, it is hard to not stick to a routine. I do have things I am doing and places I need to be, but I have no set routine but very few time frames.. Does that make sense?
So I am curious, what does everyone else do or what you do if you were me?
I think we all drown or sorrows in chocolate (or Munchos or whatever) sometimes. I suppose we should pick ourselves up the next day and strive to be better, but the alure of chocolate (munchos or whatever) - land is strong.
ReplyDeleteI've lived the routineless lifestyle in the past and eating is something that gives structure to the day. Whether it's cooking something or driving to McDonalds, it gives us something to do and I think (at least for me) it was something to distract me from problems/worries/reality etc.
Lately, I have just been concentrating on the here and now. I totally zero in on the sights, sounds, smells of right this second. Often I have to talk to myself of what I am doing and seeing so my mind won't wonder. You cannot get insecure, stressed or worried if you do this. And, I feel less depressed and insecure. I can't believe how well it works. Plus, I cant believe how much I can get done!
ReplyDeleteThanks Girls!!
ReplyDelete@ Laura yes my mind wonders alot too!! And I need to get so much more done than I do.
Thank you both for sharing your thoughts.
I am in complete understanding of self sabotage.
ReplyDeleteMy life did and does have a lot of family and personal drama. My Mother for whatever reason does not and will not tell me she loves me or hug me. The last time I remember her telling me she loved me I was maybe 9 years old. I don't think it is because she does not love me, for whatever reason she does not tell anyone she loves them. But yet I still crave to hear her say it.
I have learned that I am my best friend or worst enemy. When there is no Drama I tend to not know how to react and will find drama or create it. I will spiral into a depression that is all encompassing. There are times that I am so stuck in my ziploc bag of self pity it is a wonder I can function.
Unfortunately I dont know how to stop the downward spiral. I know that to get out I usually write it out and resolve to change my attitude. I have been blessed that in the last 4 years to have found a best friend who loves me even when I am crazy, never judges me and is always there. She is my sister by choice.
I have learned that she will not allow my negative thoughts about myself to surface. She points out my strengths and makes me believe in myself.
Laura I guess if you are spiraling and beating yourself up. My advice is talk to a friend you trust let them build you up and remind you how special you are to them and our lord.
I am enjoying your blog and I thank you for sharing. You are an incredibly smart and well spoken lady. I can tell this by how you write and make me think. Take Care.
@Rachel--Many moons ago I took a class called "Psychology of Human Relations" There were two things that I remembered from that class. One it talked about the people who created drama in their lives and why. It was pretty basic, it is simply what they knew. If something good was happening, they had to create the drama because that would put them in their comfort spot of life. The second thing I learned was that the way out of the first way was we had to connect with the child with in us. I thought at first it was silly, but then (years later) I started to talk to the little girl in me. I called her Little Laura, and I knew if I needed to talk to her, I could in my mind go to a bench near a creek and flowers. I loved this place and it was there I very slowly began the process to learn to love me, forgive me and try and not judge myself.
ReplyDeleteI understand about the mother love thing. And I believe you are right, not that she doesn't love you, but t is hard to tell someone else you love them if you do not love yourself. There have been a few moments in my life where I have gone to a safe spot and I don't want to leave. I feel so safe there and don't want to go back to life although I know I do. Whenever I feel drama mode coming on, I try to get back to that safe spot so I can feel safe again. The spiraling that took place earlier is now on the upswing up. I can tell you the best thing you can do is surround yourself with good people and be teachable. It will come, don't give up!!!
Thank you for your kind words!! Hugs Rachel!!
Laura, I am SO enjoying your blog. It is helping me with my "no sugar" meals and it is inspiring me. It is also making me stop and think about me, my life, the present and yes, sometimes even the past. I am not working at present and find that the kitchen is a quick and easy place to go to...(pause)...too many times a day. I like to ask myself WHY I am eating, what am I feeling, but sometimes I feel so numb that the answer is..."nothing". Also, I read awhile back that we can only think of one thing at a time...I'm trying to concentrate on that, forgiving myself and accepting how I am, while trying to become more enlightened. I DO recognize how VERY much I have lived (like you Laura) and how very much I have changed. We never stop changing. One day we might eat sugar, then get back on the challenge. We will never be perfect. The moment I accept that non-perfection is the key will be the moment I am happier than I am. Keep up the great work and I AM relying on you to lift me up, and hope that my presence here does the same. Hugs!
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